"Am I Special?": The creation of my first children's book

This book wasn't meant to be a book like any other. It was created from a childhood memory and is composed of thousands of fragments of young Robbie's small dreams. Dreams are made of particles of hope. We're led to believe that dreams must be big and unattainable. But every small dream matters, and every small dream is a fragment of a bigger dream. And that's how, over the years, I've managed to piece together so many small dreams to make this book a reality.

Hand-made design of the first version of the book.

The creation of this book began back in 2015, when I began taking my first, tentative steps toward pursuing my dream of publishing books and stories that could make a difference in people's lives.

I had the story, the characters, the color palette. But there was one small problem... I imagined all the illustrations in watercolor. Don't ask me how that happened. I don't know either. I just know that with colored pencils, I couldn't achieve the effects I had in mind...

First, I tried with dry pastels. I made the entire book, assembled the pages, edited it, printed it, and bound it. It was a complete failure. I showed it to family and friends, and everyone loved it. It was awful, and I knew it. It wasn't what I wanted. "Well," I thought, "I think it's time to 'get a grip' and learn to paint with watercolors, otherwise you'll never be satisfied."

And that's what I did.

It was September 2015. I put away my brand-new, expensive colored pencil case I'd just bought, went to the stationery store, and bought the simplest and cheapest Pentel watercolor set, a pad of watercolor paper from an unknown, inexpensive brand, and some brushes. I needed to learn to paint with watercolors.

And I did.

It took me years to study watercolor and children's book illustration before finally publishing this book. Ten years to be exact. We never know which path Destiny will guide us on or how long it will take to achieve your dreams. But if you don't give up on them and fight for them, you will surely succeed. Resilience.

A few years after the first model, and between one detour or another caused by Fate, I began to reimagine the story and the characters. At this point, already mastering watercolor and with a background in children's book design, I knew I wanted to create a montage between the real world and paper cuts that represented the character's imagination. I also wanted to mix the materials used. Watercolor alone wouldn't be enough to represent a child's imagination.

A child's imagination is a fertile environment, but it's not yet fluid and confident like watercolor, where water finds its way and can't be controlled. A child's imagination is like colored pencils and crayons: colorful and rustic, with strong, firm lines, striving to learn to control their senses and leave their mark on the world.

The book evokes childhood imagination, experienced from little Joana's point of view.

First, she was called ANA, then BIANCA, DUDA, and finally, I decided on JOANA.

My mother always told me a story about this name. Her grandfather Hugo said her name was Joana in Russian, but my mother's name is Vania. I thought this story was funny: "How can Vania be Joana?" It didn't make sense to my child. "Vania is Vania and Joana is Joana," I thought. When I had access to the internet in my youth, I researched this mystery and discovered that "Vania" is the diminutive of the Russian masculine name "Ivan," which is the Russian version of "João." Since my mother is female, the feminine form of "João" is "Joana." And the mystery was solved! So I wanted to add this piece of our story here.

Now I need to share another part of my life to make this book meaningful:

I'm a Ship's Pilot. I studied at the Merchant Marine Officer Training School and spent years of my life working on different types of ships and in different countries.

This wasn't my dream, but it was a path I needed to follow. The Universe has these things... we need to follow strange paths until we muster the courage to take control of our lives and truly follow our dreams.

I went, slowly losing the sparkle in my eyes and the will to live. I didn't want to be there.

My imagination was my most precious asset... and it was slowly dying.

I no longer had any reason to continue and no strength to change my life. Then I met the person who made me see another side of life: Love. I met my husband on board, and he made me feel alive once again. In 2020, we got married, and I finally found the strength to complete my Children's Book Illustration degree at London Art College. I continued sailing for a few more years, but it still wasn't my dream.

A character study for a possible version of Joana (2020).

And even with an incredible life and a husband who loved me more than anything, I felt that emptiness inside me again. It was something I couldn't bear anymore. It was as if I had a very large pillow suffocating that feeling, while it grew to the point where the pillow wasn't big enough to hold the screams coming from inside my mind.

I NEEDED to make my dream come true. I HAD to do something that would fill that existential void and silence that piercing scream stifled inside my head.

In 2024, I had a severe depression and, with my husband's support, I quit my job. I started organizing my papers, notes, stories... and I met Joana (who was still called Duda) again.

In November 2024, I restarted the story. I rewrote and reformulated and redesigned it.

In November 2024, Joana received her name.

I worked on the book until February 2025. I submitted it to a publisher, but they wanted to change the story, and that was something I wouldn't accept. Not with this story...

This story saved my life, restored my imagination and my will to live. I wouldn't allow a stranger to take it away from me just to fill their own ego... (When I asked what would be changed, the person wouldn't answer, just saying that "they ALWAYS changes the texts." That wasn't a good answer for me.)

So I looked for another publisher who would keep my original text. I decided to pay for its publication myself. I needed to complete the process. I needed to complete this healing process.

On May 29, 2025, it was published.

Dear reader, if you've made it this far, I thank you.

I often say this:

"Since art is a reflection of the artist's soul, you can find part of my soul in some of my works."

This book contains thousands of little pieces of my soul. I put it into every illustration, every cutout, and every color. So, I ask you, with all my heart, if you find it, be kind to my soul, offer it a smile, a coffee or a cup of tea... and tell it a little about life.

Love,

Robbie.